Lucky Love: A Lesbian Romance Read online

  My mother blinked. "But you were so self-sufficient. You were so good at taking care of yourself. I don't appreciate how you're rewriting history so that I'm the bad guy here just because you're having a rough go of it."

  I let her words settle in. Still, my father had said nothing. Always witness to my pain, never the hero or the villain. I breathed in all my mother's angst and breathed it out on a fiery breath. "It doesn't matter now. What matters is that I have some stuff I need to work through, to figure out. Like my birthmark, for example. You know I hate it, and what is it really? Just skin? Do you know why I hate it?"

  My mother opened her mouth and raised a finger. "We didn't—"

  "I'm not going to blame it all on you. I'm not going to blame it on anyone, but I need to learn that I'm worthy of love because I didn't know that before."

  "That's ridiculous."

  "Can you just for once let me speak my truth rather than forcing yours on me at every turn?"

  My mother closed her eyes and dropped her arms. She sucked in her lips. Then her whole posture fell apart. "If I ever made you feel like you didn't deserve love... I'm sorry... I never..."

  For the first time ever, I witnessed a tear sliding down Mom's cheek. She wiped it away, sniffing. I felt the urge to comfort her, but this was not her time. This was my time.

  "I never meant for you to feel that way," she said.

  "But I did. How did you expect a twelve-year-old to deal with the fact that her parents were leaving her for other children?"

  Mom covered her mouth, her skin growing pale. She met my gaze and dropped her hand. "I thought you were old enough to deal with it."

  "I wasn't. Then, to add to it, every time you came home you did nothing but criticize me. You even did it today."

  "I had so little time with you." Mom rolled her eyes. "I wanted to use the time we had to teach you something."

  "Well you did teach me something."

  "What?"

  "That I was never good enough."

  Mom turned around, wrapping her hands around her arms. "I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention."

  It took me a moment to realize she had apologized. I was ready with my next argument, but it fell silent on my lips. We could leave it here and it would still mean progress for us, but I couldn't let that happen. I owed it to myself to do this and to do it right. My arms shook in anticipation.

  "I have something to tell you." The words barely squeaked out of my throat. I turned to the sink, refilled my water glass, and took a giant gulp. "I have something to tell you, and I don't want to see your reaction right away. I don't even want you to react right away. So I'm going to tell you and then I'm going to leave."

  "What is it?" Mom said.

  "I'm planning on having Christmas here. If you still accept me as part of the family after I tell you I'd like for you to come."

  "Whatever it is of course we'll accept you as part of the family. That's not something we can change."

  "Okay. Here it is." I turned around, slid a glance to both of my parents and located the words. "I'm gay."

  Mom blinked. Dad blinked.

  "I—" Mom started.

  "Don't." I lifted my hand. "Think about it, okay? I'm sure. I've been sure for a long time."

  "This is all my fault," my mother said.

  Of course. That was it. I walked out the door and let it slam behind me. As soon as I did, I pulled out my phone and sent a message to Lena. "If you still feel the same about me, come to Gardner. I miss you, too, and I want to see you."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  LENA

  It wasn't easy to get out of San Francisco three days before Christmas. Everyone apparently had the same idea and most flights were booked. I couldn't get a flight until Christmas Eve, and it would arrive in Providence, Rhode Island at nearly midnight.

  Alice and I had kept in touch over text. Now that she'd written back, I couldn't bring myself to call her. I wanted our first meeting of voices, of eyes, of bodies, to be real and in person.

  But the gods were against me. My flight was delayed due to a snowstorm and got rerouted to Boston as the coast had less snow somehow than the rest of New England. By the time I arrived in Boston it was the early morning on Christmas day. I broke all the speed limits along The Pike to get to Gardner at 6:04 Christmas morning.

  Only when I stood at the door to the Victorian did I grow anxious. Did I start to doubt that this was what Alice had wanted at all. I knocked, tried the knob, but it was locked. I rang the doorbell. A minute or so later, she opened the door. She looked like an angel with her hair floating around her shoulders in loose curls and wearing a diaphanous see-through nightgown. By the time our eyes met I knew I wasn't mistaken.

  "I'm so sorry," I said, my breath seemingly taken away on a gust of wind. I wanted to pour it all out right there for her. "Look, I'm not perfect. I get depressed sometimes and I can't see my way out of things, but I've found a therapist I can work with. Locally. I really want to be with you, Alice."

  "I want to be with you, too." Alice's eyes filled with tears and so did mine.

  These words were the best gift she could have given me.

  "That's all I need to hear. Come here." I grabbed her hand and dragged her to me for a kiss. Emotions clogged my throat one after the other. "I want you to know I was the stupid one for leaving. I could have stayed and worked it out with you. I could have been patient."

  "I told my parents," she said, whispering.

  I pulled away and closed the door behind us to keep what little heat there was in the house. Then I reached out and took her hand. It was warm, and she responded with a squeeze.

  "How did they take it?" I asked.

  "I don't know. We'll find out today. I told them all the things I'd been feeling and thinking and... oh my God. It's been so much."

  In that instant, Ronald barreled into the room, wagging his tail. I leaned over and picked him up, but I must have squeezed too hard as he crop-dusted me with a stink bomb. Alice shrieked with laughter as I, blinded, bent to put him down. "I think that one might do some brain damage."

  "I'm sorry." Alice covered a giggle. The smell died out. Keeping my eyes on Alice's drawn face, I bent to pet Ronald.

  "What can I do to help?" I asked.

  "Honestly? I feel like I just need to be held right now."

  We settled Ronald in the kitchen, then I pulled Alice through the house and up the stairs. I'd dreamed so long of what I would do to her, but we'd had that part of our relationship, and there would be plenty of time for sex in the future. Now, she needed me to be a support for her. This time, I wouldn't fail her. I took her upstairs and I held her until the sun came up, stroking her arm and forehead. We didn't speak, nor did we kiss. We just existed together in the warm cocoon of the old bed.

  ...

  ALICE

  I would have given anything for it not to be Christmas. To stay wrapped in Lena's arms. Saying nothing. Doing nothing. I would give anything to feel safe like that forever, but time marched on like an invading army. When the clock turned over to 9:00 AM, I sat up, Lena's arms still curled around my back.

  "Stay here for a little while," she said.

  "I can't." I pulled out of her grasp. "I've got to get ready."

  Lena stretched, blinking away sleep. "Do you need help cooking?"

  I stood, dressing myself in a simple red plaid skirt and black turtleneck. I braided my hair in a thick rope and let it hang over my shoulder. I left my face makeup-less, bare. I didn't speak until I turned to exit the room. "I ordered out. It's all in the fridge."

  That got Lena up awful fast. By the time I reached the top of the stairs, my hand on the smooth ball on top of the newel post, she was at my side. "Why did you order out?"

  "Because I wanted to take away some of the stress of the day." I stepped down the first step, recognizing for the first time that I could have taken away some of the stress by gathering my parents' responses earlier. Why did I keep setting up holidays this way?
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br />   "But you love cooking," Lena said, following me down the stairs.

  "Do I? Or is it just something I do to manage my feelings?"

  "That's true. But you could have chosen something easier to manage your feelings. Like... coloring. Or painting. I think you love cooking."

  "Or do I just love eating the batter?" I quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

  Lena slipped her hand into mine as we walked into the kitchen. The hallway, mostly free of antiques by now, felt cavernous. This house would be dreadful to live in alone. I headed straight for the refrigerator, dropped Lena's hand, and pulled out two grocery bags.

  "What time are they all supposed to be here?" she asked, taking the bags from me and setting them on the table.

  "Ten," I said, the word setting my stomach aflutter.

  "Ten," she repeated, glancing at the clock.

  Fifteen minutes had already ticked by. I pulled out a chair with a shaky hand and lowered myself into it. Was I strong enough for this? Which was worse—subjecting Lena to my parents or my parents not showing at all? I pushed my palms into my eyes to quell my strengthening headache.

  "You sit there. I'll take care of everything."

  "No, please. I can't sit here alone." I reached out to her.

  Lena extended hers, our fingers connecting, grasping one another. "You're not alone. I'm not going to leave you alone today."

  "What about after today?" I asked, the words spilling out of my mouth, though I'd spent half the morning keeping them in.

  "I'm not leaving," she said. "I'll find some place to stay around here. I'll manage the business from here. I don't have to be there, anyway. Tara's got that end of things covered."

  Tears filled my eyes. In the past, I would have smiled and forced them down. Now, I let them fall. She was here. For me. I stood, pushing the chair in and wiping my eyes, feeling her strength washing through me. Trusting her words. Trusting she would be there for me. "Let's get this done."

  Together, we heated up the food, made coffee and tea, and poured orange juice into pitchers. We set the dining room table—the one item I hadn't sold—with all the proper items. I even managed to forget my worry for a moment and laugh at Lena's jokes.

  Ten o'clock rolled around, and we were finished our tasks.

  Lena clasped my hands, placing her forehead against mine. "They'll come."

  "What if they don't?" Tears stung my eyes once again, but this time they weren't tears of joy.

  Lena cupped my cheeks. "Then I'll be your new family, with Aunt Helen of course. She's cool."

  I laughed, and the tears broke. We sat, holding each other as the grandfather clock struck ten fifteen, then ten thirty.

  At first, I rationalized. They were fashionably late. They got caught up. Dad demanded his morning cup of coffee. But once the half hour passed, my reasons turned to worry. What if they got in a car accident? What if something happened to Aunt Helen?

  "Do you want to play cards or something?" Lena asked, interrupting a particularly vivid image.

  "I'm too nervous." I bounced my knee. I needed to get out of my head. "But talk to me."

  Lena gestured to the walls of the kitchen. "I love your changes to the house. They're so you."

  "Thanks. There's a lot more to do, but I got a great start." I smiled. "When are you launching the app?"

  "Next week."

  She told me about a new investor with whom she had met. About how she had patched up her relationship with Tara and how she'd discovered she'd never really had anything in common with her, but that Tara was actually good at business. She talked and talked, somehow managing to fill the space until the clock struck again. Quarter to eleven. They were forty-five minutes late.

  Lena stood up with the last strike of the clock. "Why don't we take Ronald for a walk?"

  My eyes burned again. "I knew it. I knew they wouldn't come."

  "It's okay..."

  I started to cry, shaking my head.

  Lena hugged me, stroking my hair. "No, actually, it's not okay. It's not okay for your family to reject who you really are, to leave you hanging like this. You're better than that. In fact, I'm going to track them down right now and—"

  The doorbell rang.

  Could it be...? Hope was a dangerous emotion to feel in this moment. I didn't know if I could survive it, until Lena took my hand and wiped away my tears with her thumb.

  I sniffed, using my sleeve as a tissue, nodding to myself. I could do this. I was strong enough for this.

  My hand trembled on the door knob. The bell rang again.

  "Do you want me to do it?" Lena asked.

  "No, I've got it."

  On the next breath I pulled open the door to find my parents on either side of Aunt Helen. I steeled myself, ready for their speech on the devil and how they'd always known I was evil.

  But Mom rushed toward me. "I love you so much, baby," she said. "I'm so sorry we're late. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

  She hugged me so hard my ribs creaked in protest. This smothering—this... was foreign to me. I had been on a roller coaster of emotion all morning, but now I seemed stuck in the trough, unable to get the momentum to go back up the hill.

  Mom pulled back, holding my shoulders. She ran her fingers down my braid. "You wouldn't believe what happened this morning. The car broke down, my cell phone died—and your father, he's such a Luddite and has refused to get a phone for all this time. Then, when we arrived at Aunt Helen's we had quite the scare. A table leg had broken when she was trying to move it—"

  I snapped out of my mood and shot a glance to Aunt Helen.

  "She's fine, she's fine."

  "Just had a little trouble getting up once I slid down." Aunt Helen chuckled, closing the door behind her. It was almost like I was watching a movie of someone else's family. Was this really happening?

  "I should have checked on you," I said.

  "Don't you dare start shoulding yourself, girl. You had enough on your mind."

  Aunt Helen's glance slid to Mom.

  Mom nodded, as if they'd spoken about this and come up with a plan. She placed her hands on my shoulders. "I accept every part of you just as you are."

  I shook my head, blinking. Lena squeezed my hand. She was still there.

  I brought her hand to my chest, dragging her closer. "This is my girlfriend, Lena."

  "It's lovely to meet you," Dad said, offering his hand.

  Her right hand was in mine so I loosened my grip, but she gave him her left. He pulled her close and kissed her on the cheek.

  She smiled and blushed.

  This was not how I imagined today would go. "You're okay with this?"

  Mom's eyes filled with tears. "It took me a little while to admit it, but I've known you were gay since you were little. I'd have to be blind to miss it."

  Tears. Again. I sighed, lacking available hands to wipe them away. But I didn't have to hide anymore. Ever again. As the joy flushed through me, worry surfaced. Aunt Helen had fallen. Who knows how long she had waited before my parents came. We couldn't leave her alone like that any longer.

  As if she could read my mind, she interrupted my thoughts by clapping her hands together. "What do you say we move this to the dining room for brunch?"

  I wiped my cheeks. "Come in, come in."

  Mom let go and we all made our way back to the dining room. Lena released my hand only to go grab the food in the kitchen and set it on the table, then she took her seat next to me.

  The house was fuller than I'd ever imagined it.

  "My grandmother, Lois, would have loved to see us all together like this," Lena said quietly.

  Aunt Helen chuckled. "She would probably sulk in the corner and secretly love it."

  I reached out and took Lena's hand. My heart was growing, bursting with the affection for these people. Ronald sat at my feet. We were warm and cozy and peaceful. I lifted my glass. "I have something to say. This house was a dream of mine, but I never imagined it like this... full of family and lov
e and life."

  Lena squeezed my hand.

  "I know it's corny, but it feels better like this. It feels right, like we were all destined to be here."

  "Have you been spiking your orange juice, dear?" Aunt Helen asked.

  "No, but that would be a good idea."

  Everyone around the table laughed. I waited for them to quiet.

  "I've spent so much of my life hiding from the world, hiding my feelings because I was scared. I'm not going to do that any longer. Aunt Helen, Lena I want you both to move in as soon as possible."

  "I couldn't," Aunt Helen said, but it wasn't her I worried about. I could convince her soon enough. Instead, I watched Lena's face for signs of terror. Signs she would bolt. But I only found a loving sparkle.

  She turned to Aunt Helen, squeezing my hand again. "Oh, yes you could. I insist."

  "I would feel more comfortable with that, Aunt Helen," Mom said.

  "This house is certainly big enough," Dad said.

  "So? What do you say, Lena?" My hope was still so fragile, and my gaze hadn't stopped searching for clues in her face. She had skirted around the topic, but I needed to hear the words.

  She leaned forward and kissed my lips. "Of course I'll move in with you."

  "Me too," Aunt Helen said. "But I'm not going to kiss you for it, just so you know."

  My smile broadened.

  I didn't see at first how big the moment really was. Understanding only started to unfold over the course of the next few minutes as everyone ate. As Lena turned to Mom and had a conversation about technologies to help bring fresh water to those who didn't have it. As my father ate happily in silence. As Aunt Helen admired the bones of the house.

  These were my people. This was my family. But if I hadn't found the courage to tell them how I felt, they never would have all been here together.

  I leaned over and kissed Lena's knuckles.

  I was home.

  THE END.

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