Rocky Road Read online

  I cupped the back of her head in my palm and brought her toward me for a kiss. The tears pressing for release started then as I held her close to me. Tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of not knowing what was next.

  Billie pulled away and looked at me with confusion on her face.

  The tears turned to sobs.

  I covered my eyes, unable to stop it all, but unwilling to let Billie see me.

  "Did I hurt you?"

  "No—I'm—I'm so sorry. I—"

  It was the first time I'd let myself cry since the accident. I couldn't stop. It was as if the orgasm had broken something inside of me.

  Soon, I felt Billie's strong arms around me, holding me to her chest. She stroked my hair. "Shhh, it's going to be all right, honey. I've got you now. I've got you."

  ...

  BILLIE

  A pounding on the door woke me. Krysta's eyes were already open wide. She was still on top of the covers of the bed, her gaze flickering uncertainly.

  "It's not Tanya," she said. "Who is it?"

  "What time is it?" I stumbled out of the bed, flinging the coverlet over Krysta's legs, though she was still clothed in her blouse and skirt and scrambled around my room for the remnants of my clothes. In the rush, I caught sight of the clock. "Shit, it's eight thirty."

  "What happens at eight thirty?"

  "I was supposed to meet Ed at eight fifteen."

  "Who's Ed?"

  "You know," I said, looking up as I jumped into my jeans—which I had shed some time in the night—without locating my underwear. "He's the team owner. You met him yesterday."

  "Oh, right." Krysta tugged the covers under her chin, looking more uncertain than ever. My mind flashed to last night as she had cried in my arms. Things were different now. I could sense it. I could see it in her face. I knew we should talk it over, but I didn't have the time.

  "I'll give Tanya a call on my way out and leave the door propped open for her," I said, gathering my keys.

  Ed pounded on the door. "Billie Page, if you don't come out here right now I'm going to have security come in there and drag you out."

  I hesitated at the end of the bed. "Are you all right?"

  Krysta smiled though I didn't believe it. "Yeah. I'm fine. Go."

  I ran over to her and kissed her on the lips.

  "Hey," she said as I approached the door. "Do you still think it would be all right if I came to the raceway today? You know, to see you at work."

  "Uhh… Yeah. I really don't have time to wait, though."

  "Don't worry about it. I'll get Tanya to take me."

  "Sure, that sounds good." I blinked. Should I say something? Should I tell her I loved her? That seemed to be what one did after a night like last night, I just wasn't sure I could do it yet. Not with Ed standing outside. Not when I wasn't sure what would come after it.

  Ed pounded on the door again. "Billie—"

  I ripped open the door and Ed tried to storm in.

  I blocked his way.

  "You're okay?" he asked.

  "I'm fine."

  He narrowed his eyes. "You have someone in there, don't you?"

  "Nope," I said, shrugging.

  He rose to his tiptoes, his eyes flashing as he caught sight of something that interested him. "You have that wheelchair woman in there."

  I pushed him outside, the door swinging shut behind me. "It's nothing," I said on a whisper, though even saying it made my body shudder. It wasn't true. The door clicked shut.

  Ed folded his arms and nodded. "I can't dictate what you do off the track, Billie, I just want to tell you to be careful."

  "I will." I shrugged.

  "You know." He stared down the hall of the hotel, a wistful look coming into his eyes. "It was a woman who destroyed my career way back when. Well, the influence of a woman. I fell in love, and I lost my balls.

  "Sure," I said, walking away from the door.

  "I just don't want you to lose your balls, Billie," Ed said, jogging to catch up.

  "Well," I said, putting on my best smile. "It's a good thing I don't have balls to lose."

  Ed gave it up, but my mind roved over the last night. Was he right? Would I lose what gains I'd made in the last couple of weeks? There was only one way to find out. Today, I would do my best to kick ass at the track, no matter what happened. Maybe I could have everything.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  KRYSTA

  It's nothing. Billie's hushed words whipped through my head along with the scenery out the van window. Nothing? She called that nothing? Her words hurt, though they shouldn't have. We hadn't made promises to one another, not official ones or anything like that.

  It had taken me hours to get myself together, and we weren't ready to leave until nearly noon. Tanya had put up with me, though I'd been snippier than usual. Now, she hummed a tune as she drove through the streets of Phoenix.

  "It's beautiful out here, isn't it?" she said.

  "I suppose," I said, letting my gaze drift out the window. It looked like any other city to me, nothing special. Damn, I was a grump. I had to pull myself out of this head space before we arrived at the raceway. Billie had hired me to do a job. We'd had sex. So what? I'd never been one to attach too much meaning to it before. Why was I doing that now? Plus, if I was obsessing about a non-relationship, I would never be able to do my job well. To prove to Billie I was worth it.

  I'd sat in the backseat so I could prop up my legs, which had given me privacy for my grumpiness. But privacy was not what I needed. Not now. "What are you so happy about?" I asked Tanya.

  Her smiling eyes met my gaze in the mirror. "I dated the hot jock in high school. I know, I know… unbelievable. He was a year ahead of me, smart and incredibly well-proportioned, if you know what I mean."

  "Ew," I said, though it made me laugh.

  Tanya waggled her brows. "We broke up when he went to school in Phoenix and lost touch."

  "As one does," I said, leaning my head against the back of the seat and trying to get comfortable. It was hard with my legs up on the seat next to me and the seatbelt digging into my hip.

  "Last night I was scrolling through Facebook, and I found him."

  "And?"

  "He's divorced." She let out a gleeful sound, a little eee that made me smile even though I felt like crap.

  "His poor wife," I said sarcastically.

  Tanya's eyes narrowed. "Apparently she was horrible to him. Batshit crazy kind of horrible. Yelling, throwing things at his head, all that."

  "Did he deserve it?"

  "He was a tease in high school, but no one deserves that kind of drama in their lives you know?"

  I nodded, glancing out the window at the passing houses. Square after square. There were more trees here than in downtown, and bits of green grass, too. Drama. Who needed it? Not me, and I certainly wasn't going to be the one creating it for Billie. This conversation was actually helping me. "So what did he say when you messaged him?"

  "He lives in Avondale."

  "No way," I said, catching a bit of her excitement. "That's where the raceway is."

  "Yeah."

  "You have to meet up with him."

  Tanya glanced in the mirror at me, then back at the road. "I couldn't. I mean… I'm working with you all day."

  If she had a chance, she should take it. Isn't that what I was learning from the trip? I was the last one who wanted to keep her from potential true love. "I'm sure there'll be a chance for you to slip out today. If that's what you want."

  Tanya brought her shoulders up to her ears, her knuckles whitening on the steering wheel. She let everything drop in one go. "I would like to see if we still clicked like we used to. I would only need an hour or two."

  "Message him once you get to the track. I'll be fine once I get settled. I brought my laptop in case I need to entertain myself."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Absolutely positive."

  Tanya danced a little in her seat. "Just the thought of it makes me nervou
s."

  "You'll be great. You're a catch, Tanya." I smiled genuinely at her eyes in the mirror. "If anyone deserves a break, it's you."

  "You're not as bad as you think you are, Krysta girl."

  We settled into our own worlds for the rest of the ride, Tanya humming constantly. Me getting lost in it's nothing, dragging myself out, and getting lost again. When we stopped, I was happy for the distraction of hoisting myself down from the van, which was always a project.

  Billie met us at the gate wearing her jumpsuit thing and I tried to look at her as I might have before, stripping out my emotion. She leaned in for a kiss, but I gave her my cheek instead. Better to keep it PG for now until I figured out what was going on in her head and in mine.

  "What's your jumpsuit for?" I asked, pulling out the notebook I'd slipped into my bag. Tanya took up her place behind me and started pushing me along the path ahead.

  "This?" Billie said, recovering quickly. "It's a fire suit… in case of a crash."

  "Have you ever needed it?" I asked.

  "Nope, thank God. Not yet. All my crashes have been minor." Billie walked just ahead of me. Her hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, chunks of it falling out and framing her face. "How was your ride?" she asked.

  "Lovely," Tanya said, when I didn't answer right away.

  It was obvious Billie was a busy woman, and I had to get as much information as I could now. There wasn't room for small talk. "I'd like to go over the basics to bank some information for your social media pages. How does it feel to drive an IndyCar?"

  Billie glanced back, squinting into the sun as she turned the corner. Her eyes had a worried cast to them. "Like a gorilla is sitting my lap and playing ping pong with my head."

  "C'mon. Be serious," I said.

  "You're asking me to be serious? That's a serious turn of events."

  "I see what you did there." I jabbed my pencil in her direction. "How puntastic."

  "Is that a pun? What's the definition of a pun?"

  "Uh… using… I don't know that I can put it into words, actually." I'd laughed despite my mood. We'd fallen into our usual rhythm so quickly I'd forgotten her earlier comment on our sex. Now, the question rang in my mind again. How can this be nothing? Did she laugh this easily with other people?

  She turned into a park full of trailers.

  "These are called transporters," Billie said, before I could ask the question. "They have everything we need for the race. They store the car on the top level as they drive to races all over the country, and the bottom level has a mechanics shop, a lounge area, and more. Here, this one's ours."

  "Stand there," I said, pointing to a space next to the trailer. This had been where I'd first spied on her in St. Pete's. "This would be a good picture to start."

  Billie stood.

  I brought my phone up in front of my face. "Try a superwoman pose or something. Look fierce."

  "That's dumb."

  "It might feel like it, but it will translate well to the camera. Look tough, at least."

  Billie lifted her chin and leveled her gaze at my phone. Even through the screen, I could feel her intensity. I tried to avoid her eyes, even the representation of them, so I wouldn't have the chance to ponder whether they held nothing or everything. So far, they had seemed to hold both.

  "Can we talk?" Billie asked.

  "I can go get a drink," Tanya said, backing away.

  Of course I wanted to talk, I wanted to yell at her. What do you mean, it's nothing? I wanted so many things, but this wasn't the place to do that. It wasn't private enough. "How about a tour?"

  "Okay." Billie's movement was hesitant, totally out of character for her.

  Tanya's phone dinged, making me jump. I was so damn tense. I needed to chill. I turned to Tanya. "If you need to go, you can."

  "I'll get you inside, then I'll answer him. He's been waiting for more than twenty years. He can wait a little longer." She pushed me forward, following Billie's lead toward the back of the trailer and up a ramp.

  Billie led us through the mechanics shop where a woman and two men worked on the shiniest car I had ever seen. She didn't stop to introduce us as we moved through, and the mechanics didn't look up. When she closed the door, she smiled. "That's top secret. Pretend you didn't go through there."

  I imagined what I would do if I wasn't frustrated with her. How I would have drawn my fingers across my lips like a zipper and winked. How I might have made a joke. Now, I simply nodded.

  "So, this is it. The lounge is over here, and the lockers are up those two stairs. There's a kitchen up there, too." She checked her watch and swore softly.

  "Do you have to go?" I asked.

  "Yeah, actually, I do."

  "Go, then." See? I was cool. I could be the cool girlfriend—lover?—who let her go when she needed to.

  "Are you good here for a while?" she asked.

  "Yeah," I said, forcing a lightness into my voice.

  Billie disappeared back the way we came.

  I let out a breath. What was I doing there? I didn't belong. I hadn't belonged even before the accident—this world was like an alien planet to me—but afterward, it just… Suddenly, I remembered Tanya was still standing behind me.

  I reached my arm over the back of my chair. "Go see your man," I said.

  "Really? I can stay."

  "Yes. Go. I'm sure. I'll be fine here. I'm just going to work for a while."

  Tanya practically ran out of the transporter, and I found myself alone while surrounded by people. Strange thing, that. I rolled into the lounge and set up my laptop.

  My mind started to spiral again, wondering why I was there, but I managed to catch it. You're here to work. Do your job.

  As my first act of social media manager for Billie Page, I posted the picture I had taken to Twitter and Facebook. I'm ready, the caption read.

  "Ready for what?" I muttered.

  That was Billie's problem. She had no idea what she wanted. She had no idea what to be ready for. She couldn't even pose for a picture without being told how.

  No, that wasn't fair. It was hard to take pictures, especially when you were thinking about other things. She would have a lot on her mind today with the practice runs and tweaking her strategy. She had explained that all to me last night before we'd gone to sleep. It sounded like a lot of work to me.

  And for what?

  An hour passed. Billie came rushing out of the room behind me. She picked up the remote and flicked on the television, her energy high as a whirlwind. "You can see my test run here. Where's Tanya?"

  "She went out to meet a friend."

  "And left you here alone?"

  "It's okay. It's nothing."

  Her eyes flashed open at that and when they met mine I couldn't help but feel my heart break a little. I hadn't meant to say the words, I'd meant to say I'm fine, but those other words had been repeating so much in my mind, they'd just rolled out.

  "You heard that?" she asked.

  "Billie." The blonde mechanic stuck her head out the door. "It's time."

  "I'll be right there." Her eyes remained on me as the door clicked shut behind her. "Can we talk about this later?"

  "We don't need to talk about it at all."

  "Yes we do."

  "It's fine."

  "Krysta, please, don't do this now."

  "Do what? I'm not doing anything. Go. Do what you need to do. I'll be here when you get back."

  Billie's eyes lingered on mine for a moment more before she pulled away and jogged toward the door to the mechanical room. I watched her retreat, wishing I could leave, just to get some fresh air. I was prisoner here in the transporter, in my body, hell, even in my mind. And I needed to get it together.

  I also had to pee. I looked around the small trailer. Where could one find a bathroom in this mess?

  ...

  BILLIE

  Somehow, I pulled off one of my fastest lap times ever during testing. When I got out of my car, Ed and my engineers cro
wded around, asking what could be fixed. I told them it felt great, but the car pushed a little bit around the bends. They started to fix the problem right there for me to do another test run, but then they found something else, so I decided to take a break. I removed my helmet and swigged from the bottle of water Ed handed me.

  "Do that a few hundred times at the race Saturday and you'll be golden."

  "Is that all?" I said, chuckling. The run had improved my mood. Nothing like the wind whipping around your body to put things in perspective.

  "You're on fire today, Billie."

  "What am I usually? Chopped liver?"

  "Too slow," Ed said, sending me a look over his glasses.

  Count on Ed to tell the blatant truth. Maybe it had something to do with the absence of my father, a need to fill the reality space. My old man had had an emergency at the farm and returned to New Hampshire. He wouldn't be back until the Long Beach Grand Prix a week away.

  Just then, Amanda jogged up to us. "Hey, Billie, can you come check out the alternate steering wheel I have for you in the transporter? It'll only take a minute."

  "Sure," I said, frowning. I had no idea what she was talking about, but she seemed so intent, I didn't want to question it. Especially not in front of Ed. Especially after the way I'd treated her in North Carolina.

  As soon as we left earshot, Amanda dropped back. "It's your friend, the woman you brought in earlier today. She's locked herself in the lounge and I don't know what's going on with her, but it doesn't sound good."

  My stomach twisted and I broke into a run toward the transporter, no longer caring what Ed thought. Amanda was only a couple steps behind me. I could hear her short breaths as she followed close on my heels.

  When I reached the transporter, I took the steps in one go and wrenched the door open. I ran down the short hall to the lounge and knocked softly so as not to draw attention to myself if anyone remained in the trailer. "Krysta," I whispered. "Are you all right?"

  "Billie?"

  "Did you fall?"

  "I have no idea how I'm going to get out of here."

  "What do you mean?"

  "It's too embarrassing. I can't say it." She hesitated for a long time. "Wait, aren't you supposed to be testing your car?"